I am on a spiritual high. I feel like I can not do enough worshiping, reading the word, talking about Him ect. I am SOAKING in his Love and it is just what I need. I am going through something that has been probably the hardest trial of my life, yet I am so full of JOY. You may wonder how that is possible in such a situation. Well, I didn't have that joy up until a few days ago and this trial has been going on for 2 months now. You can say I snapped out of the fog that I was in. The desperation and pain was more than I could bear until God reminded me that He is still in control. Yes, Steve lost his job and yes, he is not living with us right now, but, now there is Peace. Peace that passes all understanding. I do not have any hard cash in my pocket nor anything in the bank, but we are not going without. How is that? Simply put, He provides. All the urgent needs I had the last couple of days have been taken care of. My washer is working, I have enough food, formula and diapers. All things that I couldn't do on my own right now. God loves me! He loves you too! Since the day I gave Him control of my life, I have NEVER gone without. It could be something that seems major, i.e., I called the hospital after my daughter was born to set up payments on a large amount we owed them, they called me back and said that insurance had taken care of it and we owed nothing. How is that possible? How did we not pay ANYTHING for the actual birth of Jo? Keep in mind I was in labor for a day before a c-section so it was a large cost and we had regular insurance with large co-insurance. God, that is how! Then there are the "little" blessings we get, although I really don't think of any blessing as little. These things are usually simple, i.e., my washer broke (having 7 of us here and using cloth diapers = catastrophe!) and the next day I find out that wed is "wash wednesday" at the laundramat and you can go from 8a-12 and wash for free! I thought that was amazing. Then today, I talked to the local appliance store and they gave me my part ($ 136) and are trusting me to pay them next week. People just don't do that kind of thing anymore. The point is, God was still providing for us in the midst of a difficult situation and again I do not have to go without. THAT is why I have so much joy. God is present, He is powerful, and I am His.
The hard part for me is when things are going well, I tend to put the wheel back in my hands. Bad idea! God made me, loves me and saved me. He is the only one who knows the right path for me before I get there. He is the one I trust to blindly lead me through life. He will not run me into a brick wall. That is something I am good at doing all on my own :( Which is the reason I HAVE to give Him the control. Then, the next issue is remember to actually practice that behavior. You (and me) and have to walk the walk on this one. You can't say He is in control and then make all the decision without actually praying and seeking His wisdom and Guidance.
I have messed up. I am broken. I am bruised. BUT I will not give in. I am determined to learn from my experiences and move on, stronger and smarter than I was before. Yes, I am a good mom and yes I am a good wife. However, I want to be the mom and wife that God wants me to be and I believe that is different than just being "good." He made us "in His image" and it is my goal from now until the day I leave this earth to be His hands, His feet, and His heart.
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